


Glow

by theVelveteenPlatypus



Category: Monsta X (Band), Shine Forever - Monsta X (Music Video)
Genre: Car Accidents, Drug Use, Fan theory, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-03 07:58:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 11,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12744246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theVelveteenPlatypus/pseuds/theVelveteenPlatypus
Summary: The lake never changes...but we had to.Based on the music video for Shine Forever.





	1. Part 1

Sanctuary:

A small, safe place in a troubling world


	2. Jooheon

Another year, another trip to  
  


the lake.  
 

Everyone was subdued that morning–  
Shownu driving, everyone else lost in the last few days.  
It was a good tradition, one that had  
  


never  
 

been missed in all the years they had  
known each other, and Jooheon hoped  
it would stay that way.  
He glanced at Shownu and then  
over his shoulder at his friends.  
If he scoured his memories and  
compared them to the boys he saw now,  
he could just make out the small  
  


changes  
 

made by the passing of time.  
Different haircuts, different clothes,  
and a group dynamic that evolved  
and grew every year.  
They all had separate lives,  
  


but  
  


these road trips served as  
a special kind of gravity,  
pulling them back to each other  
every time.  
  


_We_   
  


_really are lucky_ , he told himself.  
Lucky to have something so  
long-lasting and unchanging  
in all of the ways that mattered.  
Jooheon smiled to himself when  
he saw that Wonho  
  


had  


dozed off, his head resting against the window.  
He would have to wake the other boy soon,  
they were almost at the event center.  
It was the last day of the trip,  
but Jooheon found solace in the fact  
that next year they would still have  
the lake and their familiar traditions.  
Something to come back  


to.


	3. Changkyun

Abandoned buildings had always fascinated Changkyun, and the event center was no exception.   
Every year, they would make a day trip out of exploring the place even though by now they knew every hallway and door better than anyone who had been there while it was still in use.

They had split up, as was their custom, and he walked through the atrium alone. His footsteps echoed on the concrete and sunlight filtered through the panes of glass that made up the ceiling. It was his favorite building in the complex.

He glanced at his phone, both disappointed and relieved at having no messages from Kihyun. The other boy’s eyesight was getting worse, and soon it would be enough to qualify him for an experimental new transplant, but it was hard to watch the boy he loved struggle for so long. The degenerative disease that had been slowly stealing Kihyun’s vision made Changkyun feel so helpless, but he knew not to assume the same of the other boy.

Consulting his watch, Changkyun decided to head to the courtyard a bit early. He walked to the door he knew would take him to Kihyun– they all had their favorite haunts, and Kihyun’s was on the way.


	4. Changkyun

Changkyun rounded the corner and paused   
when he saw Kihyun kneeling on the ramp   
that lead behind one of the stages. His first instinct   
was to rush to the other boy’s side but   
he stopped himself, choosing to watch   
from a distance instead. Kihyun   
was looking towards the sky,   
wearing the ghost of a smile. At this stage   
of degeneration all he could see were   
faint impressions of light, and the sun   
granted him that respite from total darkness.

Changkyun sighed softly, loving   
Kihyun more than ever for his ability to smile   
after all he had been through. There were   
bad days of course, but this complex   
always brought out a wistful side to all of them.   
It was almost whimsical, as if their annual   
visits kept the spirit of the old center alive   
somehow.

 

“Are you going to stay over there all day?”   
Kihyun asked loudly,   
a full smile on his face now.

 

Changkyun laughed, jogging over to   
take his hand as the other boy stood.

Kihyun balanced easily despite the angle   
of the ramp, and his hand tranced up Changkyun’s   
arm to his shoulder and neck before   
cupping his face gently.

  
“What’s got you grinning like that?”

“You, of course,” Changkyun replied   
easily, pecking him on the cheek.

“You missed,” Kihyun joked,   
wrapping his arms around   
Changkyun’s neck to pull him into a kiss.

 

His lips were familiar and soft,   
smiling against his own.   
When they broke apart, Kihyun   
tilted his face to the sky.

 

“The sun is very shy today,”   
he said thoughtfully. “Is it cloudy?”

“A little,” Changkyun said.   
“But it should burn through   
in a bit. It’s still early, you know.”

 

Kihyun touched his watch and   
it quietly recited the time.

 

“It’s not quite time to meet the others.   
Walk with me for a while?”

 

Changkyun threaded their fingers together   
as an answer, and they meandered   
back up the ramp to one of the main   
walkways. They walked in silence,   
simply enjoying each other’s company.

 

“Hey, Changkyun?” Kihyun finally said.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“Changkyun laughed softly, “I love you too.”


	5. Changkyun

“Can we sit for a minute?” Changkyun asked after a while, tugging them to a stop.  
  


“I’m  
  


Not quite ready to share you yet.”

Kihyun nodded happily, and they made their way over to one of the benches lining the walkway.

“How was the atrium?” Kihyun asked.

“It was amazing,” Changkyun sighed. “I love it there, you know that.”

“You’ve always been  
  


fascinated  
  


by old things,” Kihyun teased.

“Are you calling yourself old?” Changkyun quipped back.

“I’m calling myself fascinating.”

They both dissolved into laughter and Changkyun tried to memorize that moment, as if  
  


by  
  


acknowledging its perfection he could stay in it forever.  
Eventually their laughter subsided and they sat in silence again, broken only by the soft voice of Kihyun’s watch as he periodically checked the time.

“Things will be different next year,” Kihyun said quietly. “I got a call from my doctor this morning– I’ve been approved for the transplant.”

Changkyun was shocked. “That’s great! How long before–”

“We don’t know, but she’s estimating about a year,” Kihyun interrupted, his voice even softer now. “I’m on a list.”

Changkyun gave Kihyun’s hand a squeeze. “Hey, what’s wrong? I thought you would be happy.”

“I am,” he said, sounding anything but. “It’s just...more real now, you know? I’ve been waiting for this news for such a long time, but never really thought through all of the implications.  
  


The  
 

thing is… in order for me to get my eyesight back, someone else has to lose theirs.”

“I never thought about it that way before,” Changkyun admitted.

The quiet between them had changed from one of contentement to something more strained and Changkyun wrapped his arms around Kihyun, trying to ward it off and offer comfort to the other boy.

“Well…” he said tentatively, “on the  
  


bright  
  


side, I can take you to the atrium next year. Then you’ll get to pretend to be fascinated by old stuff with me.” That got him a small smile, so he continued. “If we get there early enough, there’s about fifteen minutes where the  
  


light  
 

is at the perfect angle to come through the glass in the ceiling, and the whole floor glows.”

“And after those fifteen minutes?”

“I’ll still keep you there, talking on and on about boring old stuff until you’re so sick  
  


of  
  


the atrium that you’ll probably never go there with me again.”

“Well then, I look forward to my first and last trip to the atrium.” Kihyun laughed,  
a bright burst of sound that made Changkyun feel like he had wings.

“Hey, Changkyun?” Kihyun asked, his voice sobered.

“Yeah?”

“I can’t wait to see you. I’ve missed  
  


your  
  


smile.”

Changkyun’s heart lurched. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.”  
Kihyun touched his watch again, listening to the time. “We’d better get going, they’ll be waiting for us.”

Kihyun reached for Changkyun’s hand, and threaded their fingers together. As they walked, Changkyun considered all of the possibilities that would be opened to them both once Kihyun had his vision again. It would take some getting used to, but it would be wonderful learning how to be together all over again.

There was  
  


beauty  
  


in that, in possibility and hard-won hope. It was all he could have dreamed of and more, and he got to have Kihyun by his side through it all.


	6. Changkyun

“There you are,” Shownu said in greeting as Changkyun and Kihyun finally reached the courtyard.  
  


“Here  
  


we are,” Changkyun agreed. “Sorry, we lost track of time.”

They all met in the middle, standing comfortably close to each other and letting the silence surround them.

This was always Changkyun’s favorite part– it was  
  


time  
  


that didn’t have to carry meaning, silence that didn’t need to be filled.

They could just _be_.

Changkyun could almost imagine the throngs of people that would have gathered here, milling around this very courtyard before filling the  
  


stands  
  


during events. It was strange in an amazing way to feel the echoes of all that activity and noise, to be separated from it but also incredibly close. Kihyun sighed contentedly beside him and he squeezed the other boy’s hand.

After a few wonderful minutes, they began to migrate towards the exit by unspoken agreement. It was time to go.

Changkyun was overcome by melancholy, but savored it all the same. Next year, they would return to this very spot– the only changes being the ones they brought with them.  
It felt like a goodbye, but he took comfort knowing that these buildings would  
  


still  
  


be here, waiting patiently for their return.


	7. Minhyuk

Minhyuk sat by the car, tearing idly at the grass and lost in thought.   
  


There   
  


were still a couple hours before dark and their tradition of watching the sun set over the lake. He willed the sun to sink faster, but at the same time he wished that their trip could last forever.   
__ This   
  


__ is  
  


_ ridiculous _ , he thought frustratedly. He was so  _ bored _ .

Everyone else was taking a nap, but Minhyuk was too restless to sleep. He figured he could use the alone time, though, considering that he lived by himself and wasn’t used to being around so many people for such a long time. That’s probably why he was so keyed up, so he tried to enjoy the break despite having   
  


nothing   
  


to do. Glancing skyward, he got an idea: he would cloudwatch.

Clambering onto the car, Minhyuk reached up, as if he could pull a cloud down to mold however he chose. He laughed despite himself, remembering all of the times he and Shownu would lay in the quad while they were all at college and watch the clouds instead of doing their classwork.   
  


That   
  


was one of his fondest memories of school. The time he stole between classes and on the weekends to spend with his friends was what made it all worth it.

Junior year was the start of their annual trips to the lake. They were all assigned a research paper from the same class, and used it as an opportunity for a roommate bonding trip. He can still remember the magic he felt when they watched the lake that first night. The color   
of the sky is always richer when it   
  


shines   
  


on the water, especially at sunset when the reds and yellows and violets paint their way through the clouds.   
He studied the clouds now– a bunny, a dragon, and an almost-flower– and hoped that they would stick around for the grand finale.

The sun had burned through most of the overcast morning, the leftover clouds puffy and white against the clear blue sky, and the field was a   
  


brighter   
  


green than he had seen it since they had first arrived a few days ago. It was beautiful.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Minhyuk jumped at the sound of Shownu’s voice, almost falling off the car. The other boy reached out to steady him, raising an eyebrow and quirking a smile.

Minhyuk smiled back. “Nope. You?”

“I got about an hour in total, so hopefully I’ll make it to sunset without dozing off.”

“It’ll be hard staying awake for me, too,” he admitted. “But I’m sure we’ll be fine once the others wake up– strength in numbers and all that.”

“They should be up sooner rather   
  


than   
  


later, it’s been almost three hours since we first laid down.”

“Has it really?” Minhyuk asked, surprised that he had lost track of time. Cloudwatching will do that, he supposed.

“We should probably head back at any rate,” Shownu said, reaching out a hand to help him down from his perch. “They’ll wonder where we’ve gone off to.”

“Come cloudwatch with me for a couple of minutes?” Minhyuk asked hopefully. “I’ve missed it. Besides, they won’t leave without   
  


us.”   
  


“Well, if you insist,” Shownu said, flashing him a smile. He climbed onto the roof of the car and they settled beside each other, Minhyuk’s head resting in the crook of his shoulder.

Shownu pointed at the sky, “That one looks kind of like a bunny.”

“That’s what I thought, too. And there’s a dragon over there…”

  
  


 


	8. Shownu

Shownu brought the van to a gentle stop, not wanting to jar their sleepy group.

“Okay, guys. We’re here.”

They climbed out of the van and arranged themselves in a line, Changkyun gravitating to Kihyun and throwing an arm across the other boy’s shoulders. Minhyuk was similarly drawn to his side, making him smile.

Once   
  


every   
  


last boy had gathered and was ready to go, they made the short walk to their usual vantage point in comfortable silence. They watched the sun begin its steady descent towards the water and Shownu wished he could stay in this   
  


moment   
  


forever, suspended like the sun and surrounded by the people he loved. The sunset was a happy inevitability, meaningful in a fleeting way.   
  


__ We’re  
  


_ perfect, just like this _ , Shownu thought.  _ Nothing can take that away from us _ .

Minhyuk took hold of his hand, and he threaded their fingers together. He chanced a look away from the impending sunset and was rewarded with a brilliant smile from the other boy.

“Where are you right now?” Minhyuk murmured, giving their hands a squeeze.   
  


“Here,”   
  


Shownu assured him. “And there’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

There were a few clouds congregated over the lake, loitering just above the sun and painted to match the water. The air was still and made soft by moisture from the lake. It caressed Shownu’s skin and he reveled in its cool touch, just another reason to love their precious time here.

Minhyuk bumped their shoulders together affectionately, speaking softly so that his voice only reached Shownu’s ears. “The sunset   
  


is   
  


almost over,” he said sadly. “I wish it would never end.”

The other boy’s words echoed his thoughts from just moments before, and Shownu released their hands to drape his arm over Minhyuk’s shoulders.

He held the other boy close and whispered in his ear, “Only for tonight. The sunset never really ends.”

He pressed   
  


a   
  


kiss to the top of Minhyuk’s head and gathered him into a hug. They weren’t a couple, not in a traditional sense, but they didn’t have to be. That’s what he loved about Minhyuk– for all the ups and downs, their relationship was uncomplicated and indefinable. It was perfect just the way it was.

The last rays of sunlight finally gave into the dark, sending a final burst of light across the water before submerging completely. All that was left of the sunset was what lingered in the clouds, a final   
  


highlight   
  


of color glowing gently before it, too, faded from view. They meandered to the car to make the short drive back to their camp. It was the perfect ending to a perfect evening, and all that remained was a night’s rest before their drive home in the morning. Their trip might be over for the year, but they would carry tonight with them forever.


	9. Minhyuk

Minhyuk was settling into his sleeping bag next to Shownu when he heard muted voices from the other side of the clearing. He propped himself up to see what was going on.

“Dammit!” Kihyun muttered, rifling through his bag. “I can’t find my phone. Changkyun can you call it?”

The ensuing silence made Minhyuk frown– Kihyun depended pretty heavily on his phone, so it was worrying that he had lost it. Minhyuk extricated himself from his spot, taking care not to wake Shownu, and made his way carefully over to the two boys.

“Hey,” he murmured, “everything okay?”

“I can’t find my phone,” Kihyun said, his panic evident despite keeping his voice quiet.

“Where did you have it last?” Changkyun asked, reaching out a hand to calm the other boy.

“At the lake. I think. Fuck, I don’t remember!”

“It’s okay,” Minhyuk soothed, giving Changkyun a concerned look. “Do you want me to drive you back to check for it?”

“Can’t it wait until morning?” Changkyun asked hesitantly. “It’s late–”

“Would you really drive, Minhyuk?” Kihyun asked hopefully. “I don’t think I’ll sleep well without it, and we have to get an early start as it is…”  
  


“I’d  
  


be happy to do it,” Minhyuk replied genuinely. He turned to Changkyun. “It’s an easy drive, we’ll be back before you know it.”

“I can come, too,” Changkyun offered, but Kihyun rested a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re tired, get some rest and I’ll join you when we’re back. You’re sure you’re okay to drive?” he asked Minhyuk.

“Sure, I had a nap earlier,” he lied. He didn’t want Kihyun to have to spend the night worrying– he could make a half hour drive and back, no problem. “Let me just get my stuff and the keys from Shownu.”

He wove through the sleeping boys again, grabbing the car keys from Shownu’s bag without waking the older boy. He’d take the coupe they brought with the van, they’d save gas that way.

He made sure he had his wallet and phone, and paused when he saw Wonho sleeping a few feet away. Minhyuk knew that Wonho had his Vyvanse with his things, and he considered borrowing one to help him stay awake. He knew he shouldn’t, but he didn’t want to  
  


risk  
  


getting too drowsy while they were on the road. _Better safe than sorry_ , he reasoned. _I’ll just take one…_

Before he could change his mind, he carefully extracted the pill bottle from Wonho’s bag and pocketed it. He didn’t want to wake the other boy by opening it now, so he would have to inconspicuously get the bottle back into the bag when he and Kihyun returned to their camp. He and Shownu would never have to know.

He crept back to Kihyun and gave the other boy his arm to hold onto. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Kihyun replied, holding tight to Minhyuk’s arm while they walked to the car.

Minhyuk held the door open for Kihyun and closed the door carefully behind him. As he walked to the driver’s side, he opened the bottle of Vyvanse. He shook a pill into his hand and stared at the little blue and white capsule. He knew he shouldn’t be taking pills, that chapter of his life was over, but he was taking it for all the right reasons. Right?

Tipping his head back, he dry-swallowed the pill, cringing at the sensation of it crawling down his throat. He took a few steadying breaths to calm his gag reflex, hoping that they would be heading back before it started hitting too hard. He remembered Vyvanse as having a smoother up and down than Adderall, so he should be fine until they got back to camp. He wouldn’t be sleeping tonight, but if it meant getting him and Kihyun through the trip safely then it would be worth it.

He hurried to the driver’s side of the car and got in, buckling his seatbelt.

“Thanks for driving me to get  
  


my  
  


phone,” Kihyun said with a smile. “It means a lot, Minhyuk.”

“Of course.”

“And you’re sure you’re okay to drive?”

Minhyuk thought about the Vyvanse and nodded before remembering that Kihyun couldn’t see the gesture. “Yep. Good to go.”

He switched on the headlights and pulled away from camp, bumping onto the main road.  
  


_Everything_   
  


_is going to be fine_ , Minhyuk assured himself as they drove away. _I’ve got this under control_  
  


_…_


	10. Minhyuk

“Minhyuk, how fast are we going?”

“Uh  
  


…  
  


Close to the speed limit?” Minhyuk lied, not wanting to scare Kihyun as much as he was scaring himself.

It had taken over an hour to find Kihyun’s phone where he had dropped it by the lake. That meant Minhyuk had taken the Vyvanse almost two hours ago. It was stronger than he remembered.

Minhyuk whipped them through another turn and Kihyun inhaled sharply. Had these turns always been this tight? Or the lanes this narrow? They couldn’t be far from camp, right?

Minhyuk willed himself  
  


to  
  


slow the car down, but it felt like he was watching himself through binoculars. He could feel his pupils blown and his head was spinning. _My tolerance must be shot_ , he thought vaguely.

He couldn’t remember rolling this hard since his first time with Adderall and he should _definitely_ not be driving right now. _We’re almost there_ , he told himself again. _Just around the next bend, surely…_

“Please slow down,” Kihyun said calmly. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

“We’re almost there,” Minhyuk said– half promise, half plea.

Why did he  
  


take  
  


that stupid pill?

They took another turn way too hard and suddenly Minhyuk was blinded by the headlights of another car. He panicked and overcorrected, hearing the shriek of the car and guardrail connecting.

Kihyun screamed as gravity sent them spiraling off the edge of the highway, but Minhyuk felt oddly detached from the terror of their situation. The driver’s side hit the ground and his space got a little smaller, his seatbelt knocking the wind out of him. Then the roof, and his space got smaller still. The windshield shattered, spraying him with safety glass. They landed on the passenger side and Kihyun’s head hit the window…

Which brought Minhyuk back to reality.

“Kihyun!” He screamed, but the other boy didn’t respond. He had been knocked unconscious, his blindfold jarred loose.

Minhyuk felt like they had been spinning forever, though he knew  
  


it  
  


had probably been a matter of seconds, when suddenly the wheels hit the ground with a jolt. They teetered precariously, but landed back upright with a mighty crash. They had stopped.

Minhyuk wrestled with his seatbelt and pried his door open, stumbling to the other side of the car. He wrenched Kihyun’s door open and the other boy slumped against his seatbelt– Minhyuk fumbled with the clasp before finally getting Kihyun free. He pulled Kihyun from the car and laid him gently on the ground. There was blood running down the side of Kihyun’s head, leaving traces on Minhyuk’s trembling hands.

_This isn’t happening_ , he prayed, _please let this be just a horrible dream_.

“Minhyuk!” came Shownu’s voice. Minhyuk looked up from where he was swaying beside Kihyun to see Shownu running down the hill at an alarming speed, Changkyun trailing behind him. The older boy skidded to a stop, staring wide-eyed at Kihyun laying on the ground.

“He’s okay,” Minhyuk said shakily, “just unconscious. He hit his head–”

“Changkyun, they’re okay!” Shownu shouted.

Minhyuk heard Changkyun sob in relief as he finally reached them, rushing to Kihyun and pulling out his phone to call for an ambulance.

Shownu was immediately at Minhyuk’s side, frantically checking him for injuries. He touched Minhyuk’s face so gently that his fingertips felt like feathers, and Minhyuk leaned into the touch, letting himself sink to his knees with Shownu’s guidance. The other boy helped him lay flat on his  
  


back  
  


and let Minhyuk’s head rest in his lap.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Shownu whispered, stroking his hair. “Rest now, Minhyuk. I’m here.”

Minhyuk closed his eyes, listening to Shownu’s voice repeat his whispered promises as they waited for the ambulance. _I hope you’re right_ , Minhyuk thought tiredly. _I really hope you’re right_.


	11. Part 2

“What I want most, is to know what you hear in the silence between us.”

-William C. Hannan


	12. Hyungwon

Hyungwon looked up from where he was reading to see Kihyun climb into the camper van, holding his blindfold instead of wearing it. His hair was sticking up on one side and he yawned, which meant that he had probably just woken up. Hyungwon was naturally an early riser, so it was nice to not be the only one awake anymore.

“Hey, Kihyun,” Hyungwon said softly, not wanting to startle him.

“I figured you’d be awake,” Kihyun replied with a sleepy smile. “Everyone else is still out, so I hope you won’t mind some company?”

He made his way over to the small table and Hyungwon scooted over to make some room. Without his blindfold, Kihyun looked younger– his eyes were closed against the morning light, and Hyungwon was hit with a wave of nostalgia. He was hopeless at conversation, preferring comfortable silence, so it was hard for him to not be able to talk with Kihyun any other way. He missed being able to look into Kihyun’s eyes, to communicate in a glance what he couldn’t put into words.

“Can you help me with this?” Kihyun asked, holding out his blindfold hopefully.

“Of course,” Hyungwon answered, gently spinning Kihyun so that he was facing the other way. He carefully laid the blindfold over Kihyun’s eyes, tying it at the back of his head firmly but not too tight. They had done this many times before, so he was familiar with the amount of pressure needed to keep the blindfold in place without causing any discomfort.

“There,” Hyungwon said once it was in place.

“Perfect as always,” Kihyun replied. “Thanks.”

“After tonight you won’t need my expertly honed skills,” Hyungwon joked. “Are you excited? Nervous?”

“Both?” Kihyun said with a shrug. “It’ll be strange, but hopefully in a good way.”

Kihyun was healing well from his transplant and tonight would be the first time he could take off the blindfold completely. His doctors cautioned him against natural sunlight for a while, so Hyungwon and the others had orchestrated a surprise for him that night. The other boy had been told that they had something planned, but had no idea what it was.

“Do you want some water?” Kihyun asked.

“Sure, let me just get around you and I’ll–”

“No, I’ve got it.”

Tentatively, Kihyun felt his way through their tiny kitchen but he miscalculated and stumbled, falling to the floor.

Hyungwon made to help him up, but Kihyun waved him away. “I’m fine, just give me a minute.” He rested his head against the fridge and took a few measured breaths before standing again.

“Maybe you should get the water,” Kihyun mumbled, obviously embarrassed.

Hyungwon steered Kihyun back to the small alcove before getting two bottles of water from the mini fridge. He joined Kihyun at the table and they sat in silence for a while.

“Thanks for waiting one more day,” Hyungwon said sheepishly. “We want everything to be perfect for the first time seeing with your new eyes.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Kihyun said, smiling again. “I don’t know what you guys have been up to, but I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait. Besides, I’m still getting used to how much more light I can see– it’s disorienting, I keep bumping into things. Obviously.”

Just as the silence was getting awkward again, Kihyun cleared his throat and tilted his head slightly.

“Hyungwon?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell Changkyun?”

Hyungwon blinked, not sure what Kihyun could have to tell him. “Okay,” he said finally.

“I’m scared,” Kihyun admitted in an impossibly small voice. “I don’t know how I’m going to adjust to having my sight back and...I’m just scared I’m not going to do it right. Does that make sense?”

Hyungwon carefully considered Kihyun’s words. “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way– whatever works best for you is what it has to be. Don’t worry, Kihyun,” he said, ruffling the other boy’s hair. “You’ll do just fine. It’ll take some getting used to, but it’ll all work out.”

“I hope you’re right,” Kihyun sighed.

“I’m always right.”

“True.”


	13. Hyungwon

Hyungwon rubbed at his eyes tiredly, letting out a sigh. Kihyun had left to wake the others and he supposed he should join them soon, but he was stalling. There was only so much social interaction he could handle each day, so he was practiced at rationing the time.

He glanced at the clock and realized that it was later than he had thought. He always woke with the sun, no matter how late he went to bed, and they all had stayed up late talking the night before which meant that he had only gotten a few hours of sleep. That would explain why his limbs felt so   
  


heavy   
  


and his eyes were grainy. He envied late sleepers like Jooheon sometimes.

Standing, Hyungwon stretched lazily. A series of pops ran down his spine and he shook the stiffness from his arms and legs, feeling a little more human. He went to the door to join his friends, pausing to center himself before finally stepping outside.

Wonho was making breakfast on their little camping stove, as Hyungwon hoped he would be, and he raised a hand in greeting.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Wonho said cheerfully.

Hyungwon rolled his eyes but smiled back, gratefully accepting a plate of eggs and toast. He took a bite and couldn’t help but moan in satisfaction. Wonho’s cooking was always fantastic, even if it was a simple breakfast like this.

“Wonho,” Jooheon said, talking around his mouthful of eggs, “how do you make eggs and toast taste so fucking good? Tell me your   
  


secrets   
  


so I can learn, too. I need this kind of breakfast in my life more than once a year.”

Wonho laughed. “Jooheon, there’s a reason why you never cook. Remember that one time in our senior year? You almost burned the house down trying to make popcorn.”

“Popcorn is tricky,” Jooheon said defensively.

“You make it in the  _ microwave _ ,” Hyungwon teased him. “You literally just have to push buttons and wait.”

“That’s the tricky part!”

They all laughed at that before going back to their food, chatting happily about nothing at all.

After they had finished eating and cleaned up, they sat in contented silence, basking in the morning sunlight.

“So what’s on deck for the day?” Changkyun asked from his spot next to Kihyun.

“Besides my surprise tonight,” Kihyun said conspiratorially, waggling his eyebrows.

Shownu frowned. “It’s not much of a surprise if you know about it, Kihyun.”

“Sure it is,” Kihyun insisted. “Considering I have no idea what you’ve been up to. Can I have a little hint? Just a  _ tiny _ one?”

“Nope,” Minhyuk said brightly.

“Fine. Since none of you will tell me, then I want to go to the rock cave. You should all feel bad for leaving me hanging and therefore go along with whatever I want to do.”

“You’re being a brat, dear,” Changkyun said fondly.

“No, I’m being manipulative. Is it working? Can we go to the rock cave? Pretty please?”

“I want to go, too!” Jooheon chimed in.

“Let’s go this afternoon,” Shownu said with a smile. “We missed it last year–”

The clearing fell silent, memories of the accident   
  


weighing   
  


heavily on their shoulders and ringing in their ears.

Shownu flushed a bright pink before Hyungwon jumped in to save him.

“Well, if we get off our asses then we won’t have to this year. We have secret plotting to do before we go, after all.”

“Let’s get started, then,” Shownu said, giving Hyungwon a grateful smile.

Changkyun spirited Kihyun away to kill time while the rest of them went to start setting up Kihyun’s surprise. Hyungwon led them into the camper van, holding the door while the others filed past him. Shownu was the last in line and paused before going inside.

“Thank you, Hyungwon,” the older boy said sheepishly. “I wasn’t thinking–”

“You’re fine, Shownu,” Hyungwon assured him. “It’s been a year. We all have to come to terms with the accident eventually.”

“I know. It’s just...fresher than I thought it would be. It’s hard being back, you know?”

Hyungwon had been thinking the same thing. All of the happy memories from their time here had been overshadowed by the   
  


crushing   
  


reality of the accident, but they couldn’t let it become their only memory. They would just have to make more.

“We’d better go in,” Hyungwon said finally. “There’s a lot to do before tonight.”

Shownu nodded, smiling, and they both went inside.

Minhyuk, Wonho, and Jooheon sat crowded at the table expectantly. Shownu sat on the floor and Hyungwon elected to stand, pulling out his sketchbook for them to work out of.

“So we’ve got, what, a hundred tubes?” Wonho asked.

“Closer to two hundred,” Shownu corrected. “I went to another store before we left and cleaned them out.”

Jooheon whistled. “Damn. How the hell are we going to set up that many?”

“One at a time?” Minhyuk ventured, earning a swat on the back of the head from Wonho.

Hyungwon rolled his eyes, but was glad that some of their normal banter had returned. Their dynamic as a group was still fragile, especially here at the lake, but hopefully this surprise for Kihyun would be a sort of rallying point for them. Something to prove to each other and to themselves that even though things were different, they weren’t   
  


broken.   
  


Hyungwon took out a pen and started drawing, holding his sketchbook at an angle so they could all see.

“Here’s what I was thinking…”


	14. Minhyuk

Minhyuk sat in the driver’s seat of the van and leaned his head back against the headrest.

They had finally finished planning for Kihyun’s surprise, but his mood had been dampened since they had been talking in the clearing at breakfast.

It was the one-year anniversary of the crash and after what Shownu had said he couldn’t help but get stuck in his memories of that night and everything that led up to it. Everything had happened so fast, but scenes from that night scrolled across his vision in slow motion, over and over and over again. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, he willed them to stop, to stop haunting him still, but it was no use.

He pulled out the bottle of Vyvanse that he had taken to keeping in his pocket. It was empty, the last few pills discarded long ago. He didn’t know why he had kept the bottle after the accident– it was a token of his guilt and grief, but he felt like he deserved the painful reminder. He could never take back that awful night, and he supposed the constant reminder was a sick form of self-punishment. He had tried to forgive himself for the mistakes that led to the crash, but he had never managed to get past them– he still had nightmares about the way gravity had cruelly played with the car while they rolled down the hill, how Kihyun’s head had hit the window as they tumbled.

He held the bottle at eye level, his eyes blurring with tears.

“Why did I take that stupid pill?” Minhyuk asked the empty car, his voice breaking. “Why didn’t I just wait until morning?”

He hit the steering wheel angrily, gripping it tight and resting his forehead on his hands. Sniffling, he looked through the windshield and started when he saw Wonho staring at him from the side of the road. Minhyuk hurriedly hid the pill bottle in his lap, but the hurt look on Wonho’s face meant that the other boy had seen it.

_ Oh no _ , he thought frantically. “Wonho! Wait!”

But Wonho had already turned and disappeared into the woods. Minhyuk considered chasing after him, but he didn’t know what he would say if he managed to catch up. No apology would ever be enough to make up for what he had done.

Minhyuk got out of the car and slunk off to the clearing, his face burning with shame.


	15. Wonho

Wonho hurried into the trees, needing to put some distance between himself and what he had just seen. He had recognized the pills in Minhyuk’s hand because he had taken them for years– Vyvanse, his ADHD medication.  


What  


_was Minhyuk doing with them?_

In the wake of the crash last year, Wonho hadn’t gotten a chance to let his friends know that his meds had gone missing. They had left immediately after, to the hospital with Kihyun and Minhyuk and then home, where he had gone to the pharmacy and refilled his prescription. He had been almost out anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal at the time.

He knew that Minhyuk had gotten into pills in college, pulling all-nighters to keep up with his coursework by taking Adderall or Vyvanse, whichever he could find. When Shownu found out, he had been furious– he forced Minhyuk off of them by finding and threatening his dealers. Minhyuk had immediately apologized and worked hard to change by studying with Shownu and sleeping in their rooms where they could keep an eye on him. He relapsed a few times despite all of their efforts, but eventually he had managed to go off of the pills, pass his classes, and that was supposed to be the end of it.

Wonho hadn’t even considered Minhyuk stealing his meds, because he trusted the other boy and had seen his recovery first-hand. He wouldn’t  


have  


ever jumped to any conclusions, but now…

“Wonho! Wait up!”

Wonho whipped around to see a grinning Jooheon jogging to catch up with him. He quickly plastered on a smile, but when Jooheon’s face fell he knew he wasn’t fooling the other boy. His suspicions were confirmed when Jooheon reached for his hand.

“Hey,” Jooheon said softly. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”  


“I  


“was just…”

Wonho wanted to lie, to say that everything was fine, but he found himself telling Jooheon everything instead. His missing meds, overhearing Minhyuk in the car, seeing Minhyuk with the pills, and finally his worry that they were all connected.

“I think he took them...that night,” Wonho choked out, hating the anger on Jooheon’s face. He tried backpedaling, “It was late, Minhyuk was tired, he probably wanted to make sure he didn’t fall asleep when he drove Kihyun back to get his phone. It wasn’t his…” He almost said fault, but couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Yes it was, Wonho,” Jooheon told him seriously. “It was his fault for taking those pills– not yours, not anyone else’s.”

With that, Jooheon turned and strode towards the clearing. Wonho followed helplessly, relief at not being alone in his doubt mixing with fear of what Jooheon might do when he found Minhyuk.

He thought they were  


done  


with all of this, that the crash was just a horrible accident to put behind them. But if it was true...what then

 

?


	16. Wonho

Jooheon burst into the clearing, Wonho trailing desperately behind him.

“Minhyuk, goddammit!”

Shownu turned from where he had been talking with Minhyuk, looking utterly shocked when Jooheon grabbed at Minhyuk. The older boy took hold of Jooheon’s shirt, physically separating them. “What the hell, Jooheon?”

Wonho hovered nervously behind them, hoping that Shownu could settle everyone down before the situation got out of hand, but Jooheon didn’t give him a chance. He started shouting, trying to bypass Shownu and glaring at Minhyuk who had gone completely white.

“Wonho told me about the pills, Minhyuk. Is that why you went off the road and almost died? You were  _ high _ ?”

Shownu looked uneasily back at Minhyuk before rounding on Jooheon again, “Are you talking about the crash?”

“Of course I’m talking about the fucking crash,” Jooheon spat. “Minhyuk took some of Wonho’s Vyvanse before driving that night.”

Wonho’s heart broke when he saw the look on Minhyuk’s face. He wasn’t denying it. He had really stolen those pills. He had taken them and driven anyway. This couldn’t be happening.

Shownu looked at Minhyuk incredulously, dropping his hold on Jooheon’s shirt. His voice was barely a whisper, “Is that true?”

“Shownu…”

“Is. That. True.” Shownu repeated slowly.

“Yes,” Minhyuk said quietly. “But it isn’t what you think–”

Shownu turned so that he was fully facing Minhuk. “What, you  _ accidentally _ took pills?” He took a menacing step towards Minhyuk, making the other boy back away nervously. Shownu continued relentlessly, his voice steadily increasing in volume. “Are you serious? Minhyuk you know how you drive when you’re cracked out like that! What were you thinking?”

“I just needed to stay awake!” Minhyuk pleaded. “Shownu, you have to understand, I never meant to–”

Shownu drew his arm back and punched Minhyuk square in the face. Everyone gasped except Kihyun, to whom Changkyun was quietly relaying everything that was happening.

“Minhyuk, you were supposed to be done with all this bullshit!” Shownu growled. “I can’t believe you!”

Minhyuk whimpered from where he had fallen to the ground, his lip bleeding and his eyes shining with tears. “Shownu, please–”

“Please  _ what _ ? What do you want me to say?” Shownu practically screamed.

That you forgive me!” Minhyuk shouted back. “I made a stupid mistake and I’ve been beating myself up about it ever since, okay? Shownu, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for all of it!”

“I forgave you over and over again, Minhyuk,” Shownu said, his voice breaking. “Every time you fucked up, I was there to pick up all of the pieces. But this crosses a line– you and Kihyun could have  _ died _ . Did you think about how that would make me feel? How it would make  _ Wonho _ feel after you stole his pills?”

Wonho flinched, wishing that he could disappear.

“I messed up,” Minhyuk sobbed, putting pressure on his split lip. “I messed up and I’ll never forgive myself, and I’ll  _ never do it again _ .”

“I know,” Shownu said coldly. “But it shouldn’t have taken a near-fatal crash to get you there.”

Kihyun spoke up, “Shownu, it was an accident. I’m mad at him, too, but we’re all too close to this right now.”

“You think?” Hyungwon muttered, glaring at Minhyuk.

Changkyun shot Hyungwon a look from his spot next to Kihyun, “You’re not helping.”

The clearing burst into an argument, accusations flying around like fireworks. There was so much noise that Wonho could hardly make out any singular words, and the air was practically vibrating with the force of it all. He hated seeing his friends like this. He hated how betrayed he felt by Minhyuk. He hated that he felt responsible for this awful fighting, but he couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t take any of it back.

Wonho felt Jooheon’s hand grab his own and he realized that he was shaking. His heart was pounding and everything felt fuzzy…

“Everyone shut up!” Jooheon yelled, sounding very far away. The other boy was in front of him now, cupping his face and searching his eyes, looking very scared.

He murmured, “Breathe, Wonho. Come on, you have to calm down– breathe with me. Please Wonho. It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Wonho willed his hitching chest to push air in and out of his lungs, closing his eyes and focusing on Jooheon’s exaggeratedly rhythmic breathing. He realized he was crying and gripped Jooheon’s arms to anchor himself, but he couldn’t concentrate.

Why had he told Jooheon about those pills? Why had Minhyuk taken them in the first place? Why, why, why…

A sob tore its way from his throat and he staggered away from Jooheon, turning and running into the woods. The others shouted after him, but all Wonho knew was that he had to get away, had to find a space that wasn’t so choked with grief and guilt.


	17. Kihyun

Kihyun walked carefully across the clearing, following the sound of sniffling to Minhyuk. He reached out a hand to where he guessed Minhyuk to be and the other boy’s hand found his own, helping him sit. Kihyun mentally reoriented himself once he was sitting and traced a hand from Minhyuk’s back, along his spine, and up to the base of his neck. He massaged Minhyuk’s neck gently, his fingers brushing through the softness of the other boy’s hair.

Minhyuk let out a strangled sob and suddenly the weight of his head hit Kihyun’s chest. The other boy buried himself in Kihyun’s shirt and Kihyun sighed. He wanted to be mad at Minhyuk, knew he had every right to be, but it was hard to hold onto the feeling when Minhyuk was so obviously broken.

“Changkyun told me that Shownu gave you a split lip,” Kihyun said finally, keeping his voice even.

He felt Minhyuk nod against his chest. “I deserved it,” he said miserably.

“You’re not wrong,” Kihyun said. “But I don’t think he should have hit you like that. He’s almost as upset about it as you are.”

“Really?”

“But you did deserve it.”

“I know,” Minhyuk said quietly. “I’m so sorry, Kihyun.”

“I know, Minhyuk. It was stupid of you, but it was an accident. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pissed at you, but… I forgive you. You shouldn’t have taken those pills, but you know that. It’s in the past and now we have to move on.”

“You sound like that baboon from the Lion King.”

“Rafiki? I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Minhyuk laughed and sat back up, tentatively linking his arm through Kihyun’s.

“You don’t have to forgive me, you know,” Minhyuk said in a small voice. “I thought I was doing the right thing, I really did, but I’ll never forgive myself for that night. I don’t think Shownu ever will, either.”

“He’ll forgive you,” Kihyun said seriously. “It’s going to take time, but he’ll get there. You both will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because he loves you, and you love him. Love makes us do funny things, Minhyuk. It’s maddening sometimes, but it drives us all.”

“Thank you Rafiki.”

“You’re welcome, Simba. Now stop moping and help me up.”

Minhyuk’s hands grabbed his own and Kihyun reoriented himself as he stood. They linked arms again and walked to find the others.

_ It’ll get better _ , Kihyun told himself.  _ It won’t be the same, but it’ll be better _ .


	18. Hyungwon

Hyungwon sat in the doorway of the camper van, holding one of the many fluorescent tubes they had gathered for Kihyun’s surprise. He turned it over in his hands, imagining the   
  


smile   
  


that Kihyun would hopefully be wearing tonight.

Assuming Minhyuk and Shownu were on speaking terms by then.

The fight earlier was one of the worst they had all been through, and he wished it had happened differently. Jooheon and Changkyun had finally decided to go find Wonho when the other boy hadn’t returned, and Hyungwon hoped he was okay. Wonho used to have panic attacks in school, but Jooheon had always been there to talk him down. Hopefully they would all be back soon.

In the meantime he had to deal with Shownu sulking, Minhyuk moping, and Kihyun trying to get them to talk to each other. He sighed tiredly.

Putting the fluorescent tube back in the camper, Hyungwon decided he should try to help Kihyun mend the rift between Minhyuk and Shownu. He wanted tonight to be perfect, and he needed everyone on board   
  


for   
  


that to happen. He stood and when he looked up he was surprised to see Kihyun leading Minhyuk towards him.

“Tell Minhyuk I’m right,” Kihyun said to Hyungwon as they approached.

“Kihyun is right,” he told Minhyuk with a straight face. He addressed Kihyun, “What are you right about?”

“That he should talk to Shownu.”

“Ah. Yep, Kihyun’s right.”

Minhyuk looked at Hyungwon exasperatedly. “But I don’t want to! What if he punches me again?”

“He won’t,” Hyungwon assured him.

“But what if he  _ does _ ?”

“He won’t,” Kihyun said firmly. “Do you trust   
  


me?”   
  


there was a long pause before Minhyuk whispered, “Yes. But I think you’re wrong– you didn’t see the way he looked at me, he  _ hates _ me right now.”

Kihyun frowned and Hyungwon looked between the two of them uncomfortably. Kihyun tightened his hold on Minhyuk and tugged gently.

“If he hits you   
  


again,   
  


I’ll kick his ass,” Kihyun said, smiling. “He won’t, but if it makes you feel better, I’m up for a good ass-kicking.”

Minhyuk laughed and Hyungwon joined him. The idea of Kihyun being violent  _ ever _ was absurd, but it made Minhyuk relax.

“Okay, fine. I’ll talk to him. But only if you both come with me.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened. He hated conflict. “Why me?”

“Backup.”

Kihyun sighed dramatically, holding out a hand. Out of habit, Hyungwon took his hand and suddenly it was a vice grip dragging him alone.

“Ugh. Fine. But   
  


just   
  


to clarify, I’m an innocent bystander.”

“If you say so,” Kihyun said brightly, squeezing Hyungwon’s hand now that he was coming willingly. Well, more or less.

The three of them walked across the clearing, probably looking   
  


like   
  


a very strange parade, to go find Shownu. It turned out they didn’t have far to go, because about halfway across the clearing they saw Shownu walking towards them. The older boy stopped in his tracks but before he could take off, Kihyun raised his voice.

“Oh no you don’t! I can hear you, Shownu. Come here.”

Shownu hesitated, but walked over looking so much like a kicked puppy that Hyungwon had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

Once they were all standing awkwardly together, Kihyun shoved Minhyuk in Shownu’s general direction and tugged Hyungwon back the way they had some. Minhyuk squeaked, but Kihyun pretended not to hear.

“Kiss and make up, you two,” Kihyun said over his shoulder. “Or at least apologize. Both of you. Hyungwon and I will be over here.”

Hyungwon was incredibly confused, but went along with Kihyun. He chanced a glance back at Minhyuk whose mouth was hanging open at Kihyun’s blatant desertion. Hyungwon shrugged helplessly, still being dragged along by Kihyun.

They stopped just out of earshot, at least for Hyungwon, and he turned to watch the drama unfold.

“They’re not talking to each other,” Hyungwon narrated for Kihyun. “They’re just– wait, there they go. Okay, it looks like Minhyuk is apologizing. He’s doing that fidgety thing he does when he’s nervous.”

“And Shownu?” Kihyun prompted.

“He’s talking now, hopefully an apology...wild hand gestures, but no shouting...are you sure this is going to– yep, they’re hugging it out. Damn, Kihyun, you’re a genius.”

“I know.” Kihyun gave him a brilliant smile. “I think they’re going to be okay, eventually, but I don’t think my ass-kicking skills will be needed after all. Damn. Let’s leave them to it– can you walk me back to the camper? Peacemaking makes me hungry.”

Hyungwon laughed. “Did you know you’re kind of amazing, Kihyun?”

“Yep. But it’s nice to hear it from someone other than Changkyun.”

They linked arms and made their way back to the camper. Hyungwon was glad   
  


that   
  


this particular conflict was behind them for now. The tear in Minhyuk and Shownu’s relationship couldn’t be completely fixed with an apology and a hug, but they weren’t broken anymore. At least not irreparably so.

“Let’s get us something to eat,” he said to Kihyun. “It won’t be Wonho’s cooking, but I can make sandwiches.”

“Sounds perfect. Maybe with a little hint about my surprise on the side?”

“No way.”

“Pretty please?”

“Nope.”


	19. Part 3

“Does it hurt?” asked the rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the skin horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are real you don’t mind being hurt.”

-The Velveteen Rabbit


	20. Wonho

Wonho ran blindly, not stopping until his legs finally gave way beneath him. His crying had long since been replaced by labored breathing, but the burn of exertion felt cleansing, like he had purged the panic from his system. He dropped to his knees, panting, and buried his face in his hands.

He hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time, so this one had been especially jarring. Jooheon had looked almost as scared as he himself had been, and he felt bad for worrying the other boy. Silent tears sprang to his eyes and he let them fall, glad to be alone.   
  


__ I’m  
  


_ a mess _ , Wonho thought miserably.  _ This is all my fault _ .

He ran through the whole confrontation again, analyzing all of the ways it had gone wrong. Minhyuk messed up, big time, but Wonho could hardly believe that Shownu had actually hit the other boy. Shownu wasn’t one to be ruled by his emotions, so his lashing out had been completely unexpected. Knowing him, Wonho guessed he was probably beating himself up about it. He and Minhyuk were so close, it was hard to see them wedged apart like that.

_ I should have kept my mouth shut _ , Wonho thought bitterly.  _ Then we would have been fine. Why, why, why… _

Wonho shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. This was   
  


not   
  


the time or place for self-pity. It wasn’t like him. He needed to snap out of it.

Moving to a sitting position, Wonho pulled his knees to his chest and rocked gently. The motion was comforting and he felt his thoughts steadily slow down until they were finally at rest. He came to the conclusion that he couldn’t have predicted or controlled any of what had happened in the clearing, much as he would have liked to.

Relief washed over him and he sighed, feeling the last of his panic ebb away. He was   
  


satisfied   
  


with his reasoning, and proud that he had been able to come down from his panic attack all by himself.

Wonho knew he should go back to the clearing, that his friends would be worried about him, but he decided to wait a while longer.  _ Let them worry _ , he thought, immediately feeling bad for thinking so selfishly. Just not bad enough to go back yet.

Letting go of his knees, Wonho leaned back on his hands. It was foggy, but the cool felt good on his skin and he enjoyed the moment as best he could. Now that he was calm, he let himself be irritated   
  


with   
  


the others. Minhyuk had made a mistake and they had all reacted poorly, so now they had to admit it, apologize, and collectively get over themselves. He knew that he would have to apologize, too, but he would swallow his pride and do it. It was the right thing to do.

__ I’ll  
  


__ just  
  


_ wait a few more minutes and then I’ll head back _ . He had to admit that the solitude was nice. His head felt clear and he was breathing evenly. He wanted to stay in this moment forever, but it was time. He couldn’t put it off any longer.

Standing, Wonho began the long walk back to the clearing. He recognized where he was despite the fog, and he was surprised that he had run so far before stopping. He broke into an easy jog and pointed himself in the right direction, letting all other thoughts fall away. He would worry about what he had to say   
  


once   
  


he got closer. For now, all he had to do was run.


	21. Jooheon

Jooheon walked with Changkyun, brooding in silence.

After Wonho had bolted, the fight in the clearing fizzled out. He had decided to go after Wonho to make sure the other boy was okay and Changkyun volunteered to go with. Jooheon had grudgingly accepted.

He had overreacted with Minhyuk, he knew that. He had just been so angry that he didn’t consider the consequences. But the terror he had seen in Wonho’s eyes during the panic attack made him regret being so impulsive.   
  


__ I’ll  
  


_ apologize _ , Jooheon determined.  _ He’ll forgive me...right? _

“Any idea where he could be?” Changkyun asked finally, breaking the silence.

"I have a general idea,” he replied. “There’s a sort of meadow we always go to about a mile from here. I’m guessing his feet took him there without him realizing it.”

“You think he ran  _ a mile _ ?”

“Yep.”

Changkyun sighed. “I guess we’ll   
  


be   
  


walking for a while, then.”

They lapsed into a companionable silence, the fog bringing a strange hush over the surrounding forest.

“Hey, Changkyun?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I started that fight in the clearing,” Jooheon said, practicing his apology on the other boy. “I was just so angry, and   
  


by   
  


the time–”

“I was angry, too,” Changkyun interrupted. “I should never have let him drive that night.”

Jooheon was shocked. “You were awake when they left?”

“I was helping Kihyun look for his phone…” Changkyun trailed off, his voice becoming incredibly small. “I knew he was tired, but I never thought he would take Wonho’s pills to stay awake. Kihyun was so worried about his phone and Minhyuk was just trying to help, but...I should have convinced them to wait until morning. If I had known–”

“You couldn’t have known,” Jooheon said softly. “Besides, Minhyuk knew better.”

“He was just trying to help,” Changkyun insisted. “I know he wouldn’t have taken the Vyvanse unless he thought it was the right thing to do. I  _ have _ to believe that.”

Jooheon spoke carefully, willing the weight of his words to make an impression on the other boy. “It wasn’t   
  


your   
  


fault, Changkyun.”

“I can’t help it, Jooheon. You were all asleep so I waited up. When they had been gone an hour, I finally woke Shownu to go look for them. We took the van– our headlights must have startled Minhyuk, because suddenly they were swerving and crashing through the guardrail. Shownu ran down the hill and there was about a minute– a long, horrible minute– where I didn’t know if they had…if Kihyun was…”

Jooheon reached for Changkyun’s hand and pulled the other boy into a hug as the first sobs wracked his body. Jooheon held him tightly, as though he was the only thing keeping Changkyun from shaking apart.

They stood like that for a few minutes until Changkyun’s shakes had mostly subsided. Jooheon gave him one last squeeze before pulling away so that he could meet the other boy’s eyes.

“Changkyun, it wasn’t your fault. It was a freak accident, nothing more. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really.”

“Fair enough.” Jooheon gave him a weak smile. “Let’s go find Wonho, yeah? We’ll all get through this. I promise.”

“Thanks, Jooheon.”

They walked   
  


side   
  


by side through the fog, Jooheon grateful for the closeness and companionship. He was still reeling from Changkyun’s view of the accident, realizing that he had gotten all of the information about that night secondhand– he had turned it over so many times in his mind that he had almost forgotten that he had actually slept through most of it. There was the aftermath, going to the hospital and having the car towed, but he heard about the crash already knowing that both Minhyuk and Kihyun were okay. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for Changkyun and Shownu, being there and not knowing what would happen. What  _ could have _ happened.

Looking back   
  


now,   
  


almost exactly one year later, Jooheon realized that not knowing much about the accident had made it harder for him to move on from it. That was why he had overreacted– it had become larger than life, a momentous event that was insurmountable because he had never been told otherwise.

_ Fuck. _

A shadow moved through the fog, gradually taking the shape of Wonho as the other boy jogged to meet them. He gave them a sheepish smile, slowing to a stop.

“Sorry I ran off like that,” he said. “I just...needed some space.”

Jooheon enveloped him in a hug, whispering in his ear, “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Wonho hugged him back before addressing both him and Changkyun.

“Thanks for coming to get me. I ran farther than I thought.”

“You went all the way to the meadow?”

“Yep.”

Jooheon flashed Changkyun a grin. “Told you   
  


so.”   
  


They turned back the way they had come, Wonho catching his breath as they began the trek back to the clearing. They all walked next to each other, Jooheon and Wonho on either side of Changkyun.

“Are Minhyuk and Shownu going to be okay?” Wonho finally asked them.

“I think so,” Changkyun replied. “They weren’t on speaking terms when we left, but   
  


you   
  


know how they are. They always come back to each other.”

Jooheon nodded, knowing Changkyun was right. It wouldn’t be easy, but they would all get through this together.

They walked in silence for a bit longer, the fog not quite obscuring the landmarks that told Jooheon they weren’t very far from the clearing. Ten minutes, give or take.

Changkyun’s phone chimed with a text, and his smile meant it was from Kihyun.

“Crisis averted,” Changkyun said. “Minhyuk and Shownu worked it out. At least enough to be talking to each other. Just in time, too– we’ll have to start setting up for Kihyun’s surprise soon. Do you think we’re very far away now?”

“We’re about ten minutes away,” Wonho answered. “That’ll leave us time for a nap,   
  


won’t   
  


it? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m beat.”

“You love your naps,” Jooheon teased.

“Says the boy who can sleep for twelve hours easy,” Wonho retorted.

“Stop flirting, you two,” Changkyun said with a smile. “You’re almost as bad as me and Kihyun.”

Jooheon felt himself blush, and saw Wonho doing the same. Changkyun glanced between them and rolled his eyes, shoving Jooheon at Wonho so that he wasn’t between them anymore. Wonho stuck his tongue out at the other boy, but took Jooheon’s hand anyway.

Jooheon squeezed Wonho’s hand and turned to Changkyun. “Can you text Shownu to let him know we’re almost back? By the time we get there, it’ll officially   
  


be   
  


late afternoon. You’ll take Kihyun to the rock cave, and the rest of us will get everything pulled together so that after you’re back we can leave. Right after our nap.”

“Naps are important,” Wonho added cheerfully.

They all laughed and Changkyun texted Shownu as they walked. Maybe five minutes left, Jooheon guessed. Five more minutes of holding Wonho’s hand…

They eventually made it to the clearing and just before the tree line Jooheon made to let go of Wonho’s hand, but instead of letting go, Wonho laced their fingers tighter together. They emerged into the clearing just like that, still firmly holding hands, and Jooheon smiled. He had Wonho and they all had each other. No one left out, no one   
  


alone.

  
  
_ Just as it should be _ , he thought happily.


	22. Kihyun

Kihyun sat with Changkyun in silence, listening to the sounds of the lake echoing off the walls of the rock cave. This cave was his equivalent to the atrium for Changkyun– he loved it here and always made a point to visit. Well, except for last year.

He and Changkyun had come to the cave by themselves after Jooheon and Changkyun had returned with Wonho. The others were using the time to start setting up his surprise and then they would all take a nap before heading out. Kihyun smiled, loving his friends for orchestrating the whole thing for him. He still had no idea what it would be, but he knew it would be worth the wait.

_ I’ll actually be able to see _ , he thought with awe.  _ And we’ll all be together for it _ .

“What are you thinking about?” Changkyun asked him after a while. “You’re smiling an awful lot. Is it me? I hope it’s me.”

Kihyun laughed. “It’s you. It’s everyone– I’m excited for my surprise.”

“I’m probably almost as excited as you are,” Changkyun said softly. “You’ll get to see again. That’s so amazing...I can hardly believe it.”

“I’m having trouble believing it, too,” Kihyun admitted. “I’m nervous. Excited, but definitely nervous.”

“Why?”

“Well, the surgery was experimental...what if it didn’t work the way it was supposed to? I can see more light, even with the blindfold, but what if it didn’t fix me?”

Changkyun pulled Kihyun against his chest and Kihyun leaned into him, the other boy’s low voice rumbling through them both.

“It won’t fix you, Kihyun. But that’s because you were never broken.”

Kihyun felt Changkyun’s heartbeat, steady and sure, and tried to believe him.

After a while, Kihyun pulled away and reached for Changkyun’s hand. “I’m ready to go back, help me up?”

He was pulled to his feet and reoriented himself, linking arms with Changkyun and led carefully across the uneven ground. He paused one last time, memorizing the sounds of the rock cave. The next time he was here, he would be able to see the cave– but he knew that he would sit here just the same, eyes closed and listening to the echoes of the water. It felt like a promise and he smiled, glad that some things never had to change.

They left the rock cave to return to the others, but Kihyun would be back. He always found his way back.


	23. Shownu

_ Shownu was dreaming, aware of it in a detached way. He was at the lake at sunset, alone in a moment that didn’t have to end. A hand slid into his and suddenly Minhyuk was standing there, too– smiling up at him just like he had so many times. Shownu noticed that his split lip was gone, and memories of the fight intruded on his perfect moment. _

__ Did I really hit him? Shownu thought sadly. Did I really hurt  
  


__ my  
  


_ best friend? _

_ “You did,” Dream Minhyuk answered his unspoken question. “But it’s okay.” _

_ “No, it’s not,” he told the other boy. His regret felt like a physical thing in this dream world, wrapped around his spine and making it difficult to breathe. “I should never have hit you. I’m so sorry, Minhyuk.” _

_ Dream Minhyuk shrugged. “You know that I forgive you. Just tell me when you wake up.” _

_ “Are we going to be okay?” Shownu asked, wishing more than anything that he could take it back, that they could turn back time and try again. _

_ “We can’t turn back time, Shownu. But it heals, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now…” _

 

Shownu woke slowly, the   
  


bright   
  


light of the setting sun cutting through the blinds of the small room they were napping in. They had rented a small house this year, rather than camping outside like they had in the past. They were all piled onto the couch, the massive piece of furniture taking up most of the room. Changkyun was carefully rousing the others– they had decided to let Kihyun sleep for a bit longer while they made the final preparations.

Minhyuk had fallen asleep with a hand resting on his chest and Shownu smiled. The glare that had woken him was shining on the other boy’s light hair, making it look like he had a halo. His lip was split and there were circles under his eyes, but he looked like an   
  


angel   
  


laying peacefully on his chest. It was another moment he wished would never end.

It did, of course– Minhyuk blinking sleepily before smiling up at him just like in his dream.

“We’re okay,” Shownu said tentatively. “Right?”

“We’re okay,” Minhyuk agreed.

“I’m sorry, Minhyuk,” Shownu whispered, smoothing the other boy’s hair.

“I’m sorry, too.”

Minhyuk rested his head on Shownu’s chest, humming softly before becoming very still.

“I can hear your heartbeat,” Minhyuk murmured.

Shownu smiled. “You always will.”


	24. Changkyun

Changkyun walked through the forest, holding Kihyun’s hand as he helped the other boy navigate the uneven terrain. They were almost to the meadow, where the others had started setting up.

“We’re almost to the tree line,” he told Kihyun. “Then the ground should even out. We’ll be in a big meadow… I can’t wait for you to see it.”

__ I can’t wait to  
  


__ look  
  


_ into your eyes _ , he added silently.  _ For us to truly see each other for the first time in years _ .

They made it to the tree line and emerged, Changkyun’s jaw dropping at the result of all their planning. All of the fluorescent tubes they had gathered were linked and arranged in a giant starburst pattern   
  


around   
  


them, radiating out from a central point where they all would stand. It looked incredible even without being lit up, especially in the dramatic shadows cast by the fading light.

Changkyun could see Wonho and Shownu placing the final pieces and they waved him over. He and Kihyun picked their way across the meadow until they were standing at the center with Minhyuk and Jooheon.

“I’ll be right back,” he told Kihyun, squeezing the other boy’s hand. He walked to the van and camper Shownu had driven out with the supplies, and Hyungwon who was leaning against the driver’s side door.

“What do   
  


you   
  


think?” Hyungwon whispered.

“It’s incredible,” Changkyun replied. “I knew you guys could pull it off, but  _ damn _ .”

Hyungwon let out a soft huff of laughter, eyes sparkling with pride.

“Hyungwon?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for pulling all of this together,” Changkyun said quietly. “I know we all helped, but you were the true mastermind– Kihyun is going to love it. This could never have happened without you, so… thank you.”

Hyungwon smiled shyly.   
  


“You’re   
  


sure he’ll like it? It’ll be his first time seeing again, I just want everything to be perfect–”

“It already is,” Changkyun assured him with a smile. “Come on, the sun is down. It’s time.”

Hyungwon nodded and they walked to the center of the meadow where the others were waiting. Minhyuk waved them over impatiently and was practically bouncing, his eyes   
  


shining   
  


with excitement. Changkyun found his place beside Kihyun and laced their fingers together. He leaned down to whisper into the other boy’s ear.

“Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Kihyun admitted nervously.

Changkyun turned to Hyungwon and nodded for him to flip the switch that would light up the field. He heard a soft sound and then…


	25. Kihyun

Kihyun heard a  **s** oft click and then there was a glow all around him, filtering through the blindfold.  **H** e gulped, nervous but fidgeting with excitement. Reaching up, he  **i** nched the blindfold down, keeping his eyes closed at first. He  **n** ever thought he would have this moment and he was determined to  **e** njoy it, savor it, memorize it so that he could keep it forever.

Changkyun squeezed his hand encouragingly, helping Kihyun  **f** ind the courage to slowly  **o** pen his eyes…

The field was brilliant with light, fluorescent tubes  **r** adiating from where they were standing and flashing in a pattern that dazzled him. His jaw dropped and he drank in the scene,  **e** verything about it crystal clear with his new eyes.  _ All of this is for me _ , he thought.

Tearing his eyes away from the lights, Kihyun sought out Changkyun and everything else  **v** anished from his mind. The other boy was staring at him, looking into his  **e** yes with a shocked expression. Carefully cupping Kihyun’s face, Changkyun looked deep into his eyes and laughed breathlessly.

“You’re so beautiful,” Changkyun whispered. “And your eyes…”

Kihyun waited, not sure what the other boy would say.

“Kihyun, he said, “you’re  **r** eally not going to believe this. Your eyes… they’re  _ blue _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that wraps up Glow!  
> Thanks to you all for reading and commenting- I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did :)  
> <3


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